Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Randomize
