she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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