Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I need a burrito and a hug.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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