you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize