When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
