Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Rumble strips road head = magical
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It's shark week go big or go home
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
