I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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