highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
