Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Randomize
