And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
