Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize