Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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