Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
