Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
