I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
