We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
