Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
