Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
