I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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