i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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