ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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