Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I believe in your delicious
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
