We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
