I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
