then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
