Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
My cat gives me a boner
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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