apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
