My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
