I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
