honey bunches of taint.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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