my mouth tastes like poor choices
True but thats because hes a fetus.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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