i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
