On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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