Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
