Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
