I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
