If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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