My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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