When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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