she woke up with a sticky ear
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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