kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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