Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I need a beard to bite.
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