im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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