My liver just broke up with me...
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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