I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
