So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
