matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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