every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
