Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
