hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
