My friends, they love my intelligence
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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