I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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