Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize