if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
