don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
