I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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