the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize