Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
